Beer Congress to Ban Conservative Books | Opinion | Salt Lake City

Fed up with the faux piety of Utah’s conservative lawmakers, a bunch of beer drinkers lashed together an Alternative Congress to right wrongs and undermine stupidity. These barley swillers distilled a bicameral body — the House convened at Junior’s Tavern, while the Senate came to order (more of less) at Dick N Dixies.

At the top of the agenda were books to be banned that contain heinous material that could pervert the minds of adults. “Capitalism and Freedom” by Milton Friedman was targeted by the India Pale Ale Caucus because it’s a blueprint for the rich to get richer while screwing workers. “The Conservative Intellectual Movement In America” ​​by George H. Nash was marked up because the title, itself, is an oxymoron — eg Burgess Owens, Jim Jordan, Tom Cotton, etc .. “The Gov’t Shouldn’t Give Cadillacs and Furs to Black People “by Ronald Reagan also made the list because” Reaganomics “is the magical thinking that led us down the Yellow Brick Road to income inequality. But a last-minute maneuver by the Pilsner Coalition, citing Henry Miller’s “The Tropic of Cancer” and “Lolita” by Vladimir Nabokov, kicked book-banning back to the Stout Subcommittee based on the truism that banning books just makes them more popular. Bottoms-up!

Pro-Pedophiles in the GOP Dog House
Just because there is no basement at Comet Ping Pong pizzeria in Washington DC does not mean Democrats did not have an international child sex trafficking operation beneath the pizza ovens. It’s as plain as day that Bill and Hillary and all Democrats are pedophiles — or that Republicans will stoop to anything in order to titillate their kinky base and paint progressives as followers of a sex-crazed beelzebub.

Ketanji Brown Jackson, the new U.S. Supreme Court justice, was actually an enabler of pedophiles and collected and sold cards with child porn on them, according to Republican Sens. Josh Hawley and Ted Cruz. Like baseball cards, they’re a lucrative industry — mostly dominated by Democrats.

Hawley and Cruz pressed Jackson on why she hated defenseless children and loved pedophiles so much. So when GOP sens. Lisa Murkowski, Mitt Romney and Susan Collins said they would vote for Jackson, Rep. Majorie Taylor Green labeled them “pro-pedophile,” which, in turn, led Hawley to try to un-ring the pedophile bell. He never, ever said, “pedophile, pedophile, pedophile,” and did not know for sure whether all Democrats rape kids and post on Instagram. None of it is true, of course, but so what? It’s politics, Republican style. Get used to it.

Hey Satan, Where’s the Good Stuff?
When Ken Burns comes to town you know feathers are gonna fly. He keeps making documentaries that dredge up facts and truths that can put people on edge — especially the people who may have been pulling the feathers over our eyes.

Well, hold onto your “Pearl of Great Price,” because Burns has been sniffing around The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and its ongoing battle with … wait for it … that’s right, Satan.

In an epistle for The Salt Lake Tribune, Burns notes that “the devil has been used as a political and theological figure in LDS discourse.” But — and here’s the kicker — Satan’s desires have shifted over time. As Burns explained it, Satan once pushed for interracial marriage and jobs for women — things the church fought against tooth and nail. But oddly, the devil does not care about those things now that the old white men in The Tower of Power have accepted them.

Then Burns dropped the hammer: “Given LDS assertions that good and evil are fixed and immutable, how could Satan’s political interests have changed so dramatically?” DO NOT LOOK AT THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!

Something is rotten at Temple Square and it could be that bastard Satan or maybe … Well, never mind.

Postscript—That’s just about it for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we can not define “woman,” but we know one when we see one. OK Wilson, tell the guys in the band to cool it — for cryin ‘out loud.

Anyhow, the Mormons seem to have a Satan problem but on the other hand, where would Christianity be without the devil? Our researchers here at Smart Bomb have yet to make a direct connection to Satan on this one, but the Trumpists seem to have a Donny Jr. problem. Looks like the prince-in-waiting sent a text last year to then-White House chief of staff Mark Meadows on how to seize the presidency after Big Daddy’s loss at the polls.

“It’s very simple,” Donny said. “There are multiple paths and we control them all.” Well, not exactly.

And speaking of Satan, Tucker “the Angel of Anger” Carlson is all over Utah Gov. Spencer Cox for his veto of Utah’s new anti-trans girls soccer law. The veto was overridden by Republicans in the Legislature but that did not stop Carlson from questioning Cox’s manhood. (We kid you not.) “Spencer Cox identifies as a male, at least to some limited extent. Now, Cox could have cleared up that mystery a lot more quickly, simply by declaring, ‘I’m a man.’ … “Well, consider the source — Carlson also thinks Vladimir Putin is a cool dude. ‘Nuff said.

It does not look like Satan is going out of business anytime soon, despite the LDS Church. Yep, old beelzebub has been busy lately and he looks to have lots of helpers. So let’s give him his due, Wilson — pick it:

Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and taste
I’ve been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man’s soul and faith

I was’ round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what’s puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

I stuck around St. Petersburg
When I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the Tzar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in vain

I rode a tank
Held a general’s rank
When the blitzkrieg raged
And the bodies stank

Let me please introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and taste
And I laid traps for troubadours
Who get killed before they reach Bombay

So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
Use all your well-learned politesse
Or I’ll lay your soul to waste

Tell me baby, what’s my name
Tell me honey, can ya guess my name
Ooo, who, who ooo, who, who
“Sympathy for the Devil” —The Rolling Stones

.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Back to top button